i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
