He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
