your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
