R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
