During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
