Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
