she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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