got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
