Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
