We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
