from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
