omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
