with your own penis?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
