so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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