no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
