They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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