I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i think i have two assholes
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
