So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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