Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
