Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
