So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
