That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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