and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
