i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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