you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
