im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
