you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
