Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
