I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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