we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
