ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
