i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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