Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
