theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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