She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
