What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
