I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize