hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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