Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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