ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
