dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize