I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
