I smell stomach acid.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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