look no pants
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
