Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
