my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
