alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
In America we eat man semen.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
