so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
