Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
