i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The air taste purple.
Randomize
