i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
