3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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