True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
