and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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