He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
