i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
