Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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