from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
