I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
