It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
