remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
