guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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